Movies That Could Have Been, Part One

Blood Diamond

Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan star in this true-story of Africa’s bloody diamond trade. Danny Archer (Chan) goes on the hunt to retrieve a particularly huge diamond with Solomon Vandy (Tucker), after the latter buried it whilst working as a slave for the rebel army, RUF, following his son’s kidnapping by said revolutionaries. Steve Carrel’s military colonel, meanwhile, is also after the diamond to bring into the hands of the government.

Cue hilarious, but clichéd buddy-flick consequences. In one sequence, whilst Vandy is seducing the rebel leader’s chick in a mud hut, Archer is busy dealing with over one hundred bad guys outside with his handy set of nunchucks – with some clever editing, each of the girl’s moans are matched with Chan’s vicious blows.


The Terminator

With first-choice Paul Reubens (AKA Pee-Wee Herman), out of the picture due to anal-bleeding, James Cameron reluctantly decided to cast aging Oscar-winner Sidney Poitier in the role of the cyborg killing-machine in this blaxploitation-come-MTV-style-video. Poitier is sent back in time to assassinate the mother of John Connor, the leader of a future war between humans and tin cans. Sarah Connor (Grace Jones) is forced to abandon her everyday life as a call-girl, and go on the run with Prince-wannabee, Kyle ‘The Cool Cat’ Reese, ironically played by Prince. Although even before you could say ‘Gimmemymoneybackyousonofabitchbeforeislugyouinthechops’, there was tension on-set. Reports that Poitier accused Grace of being a ‘n****r lover’ caused her to walk off the movie for a fortnight, thus halting production. It was then said that Prince wouldn’t come out of his dressing-room until every cast member wore at least one of his custom-designed winklepickers during shooting.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Forget Jim Carrey and Monica Cox-Arquette-Cox-Arquette, think Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Hanks plays the role of the pet-dick like he would later play one of his most memorable characters, Forrest Gump – like a lovable buffoon. Down-on-his-luck and fired from his job as a golf caddy, Ace Ventura sets up a pet detective agency, finding lost or stolen pets (or your money back). That is, until Meg Ryan’s Melissa Robinson shows up, and the sad-sack falls in love whilst on his hottest case yet. It’s all pretty shit until the final reel, when Ace rides bareback, literally, on a horse all the way to New York City to halt Melissa’s wedding to a landscape gardener. He doesn’t actually retrieve many lost or stolen pets in the entire movie, and when he does he eats them with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Still Life in Mobile Phones

No mobile phone, no home phone, no Internet, no television - I may as well be sitting cross-legged and blindfolded in the middle of the Sahara desert, constantly shouting ‘nar nar nar’ with my fingers in my ears. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve shelled out another £45 in train fare to Hull, which is twice in a week (not that boredom is the only reason).

My phone should have come back to me in Lancaster this morning, which it hasn’t, so as I’m on my way to the other side of the Pennines, my phone should be arriving back in Lancashire tomorrow. That is, unless it’s gone forever, lost in the mail system until the end of time, or until the Royal Mail employee who nicked it realises it isn’t worth two-bob and chucks it in the dog bowl to be chewed on by Fido. So, no phone for at least another three days.

I’ve found it almost completely devastating in not having this small, communicable device in the last two days alone. It’s not that I use it that much anyway unless I’m receiving calls, but it’s the security that comes with it. It is also the fact that it’s a way of telling the world you are available, whether it be for drinks at your local, or a sympathetic ear for your dumped best-mate.

I can remember a time, four or five years ago in college to be exact, that I was the only Neanderthal not to have a mobile phone. In a year meeting one day, a tutor asked those who do not yet own a mobile phone to put their hand up – no one did. Not even me. I wasn’t going to put my hand up and admit it, like being the kid in school whose complete uniform had been handed down from his older brother (mine was new by the way). Those were happy days. Days when you didn’t necessarily need a mobile to function in everyday society. Having a mobile in this new millennium is as essential as say, eating or breathing. And that's just wrong.

Remake That Genuinely Would Be Amazing, Part One

North by Northwest

Instead of choking on your sausage roll at the thought of remaking such a classic film, put it down and imagine this: a fast-paced, edgy thriller from a competent action director (Paul Greengrass (The Bourne Ultimatum, United 93)) and two huge, young actors (Di Caprio and Rachel McAdams). Not to mention Brian Cox in the James Mason role. The script could be written by the guys who wrote Casino Royale (Paul Haggis, Neal Purvis, and Robert Wade).

The Return on the Ghostfaced Killa

So I left my phone in the city of Hull. It's funny how lost you feel without it, even though I barely use it.

I Hate Public Transport

Yesterday on the train to Yorkshire, I sat opposite a man who looked exactly, and i mean exactly, like Jim Bowen. The only slight difference was that this imposter had a slight tan and a fatter nose. He even had the glasses. He constantly had a sad expression on his face like he'd just found out he's on the shortlist for Auschwitz Mk II, so I was more-than-tempted to sit on his knee and stroke away on his bald head, telling him, 'Everything's going to be ok, Jim. You'll be back on telly one day.'

Which brings me onto something that really gets on my tits. The people that sit on the outside seat on public transport, leaving the window-seat empty. Who do these people think they are? What gives them the right to park their fat, ignorant arses there, whilst other people have to stand up at the front? It's not something that's directly affected me before, but just to watch these morons is annoying enough. It's almost as bad as when they take up a seat with their bag or laptop case. I sometimes feel like snatching their bag and hitting them round the face with it, before pulling them out their seat and kicking them in the throat.

This Entry Doesn't Have A Title Because I Couldn't Think of One

I'd like to tell you I've been doing something alluring or productive in the time I've been away, such as going on holiday or happy-slapping Topshop employees with an ironic fist. Sadly for me, the truth isn't that compelling. The only new info I have for you is that I didn't get the job in Sainsburys, but I do have a job in Jessops...for four weeks until it closes.

The folk who work in Jessops are a lot more interesting than the job itself. We have a graduate in a walrus costume, whose life seems to have been sucked out of her through the gaps between her brown teeth, a Baldrick-wanabee who seems to have borrowed Patrick Stewart's head, and an old tea-maker who is probably the nicest and most pleasant man ever to come out of a womb. He would probably even offer to clean the blood from your shoes after you kicked his face in.

I think my laptop has finally passed on to the great big skip in the sky. Last night, it went black after a sudden heart-attack. It had to happen soon.

Movies I'd Like to See Part One

National Lampoon's American Migration

Directed by Eddie Murphy

Will Ferrell stars as Ali Mohammed Dahir, a rich African prince who comes to America to study at Harvard Law School. An nervous outcast on arrival, Ali eventually proves his worth to the college fraternity during a party drinking game, in which blind-drunk on Bud, pisses into the mouth of an unsuspecting blond extra from up on the balcony. The 'Fresh Prince' as he is now known ends up getting booted out of the prestigious school after he gets caught ragging the Dean's wife (played by Rob Schneider in drag) on the football field during a game, Crank-style al fresco. It all ends well though when he cleans up his act and his father comes over on his customed banana-boat to bribe the school board into reinstating him.


Younger Women

Directed by Woody Allen

This new Woody Allen joint tells the story of Marv Tesslerjew, an ageing, once-respected fashion photographer, who becomes down on his luck when his thai bride leaves him for his son. Marv soon gets his mojo back (and his reputation) when he decides to compose another book. The book, Younger Women, has him taking photos of the fannies of all the women under the age of twenty-five in Upstate New York, before he falls in love with fresh-faced slag Rita Swineback, played by Dakota Fanning.


The Jew Eater
Directed by Martin Riggs

Apocolyptic tale of one man's fight to rid the world of all evils. Mel Gibson stars as Ben Fist, an ex-cop with a hunger for violence after his family-business is taken over by Jewish investors. Ben kits out his ex-patrol car as a weapon against this deadly terror and takes to the streets in a sphere of violent rage. Blood is spilt and lives are destroyed in what critics say is a 'cross between Abel Ferrera's TV-movie, The Gladiator, and The Punisher'. One critic even goes as far as to describe it as 'the sickest film I have ever seen. Makes Takashi Miike look like Chris Columbus. During the final sequence, in which Mel savagely massacres an entire Jewish orphanage, it actually looks as if Mel isn't acting. It looks as though he is actually enjoying it.' For mentally stable patrons only. Jews may be offended.

De-Flowering Amy

Directed by Nancy Meyers

Daft Rom-Com in which Reese Witherspoon plays a stern stockbroker who must lose her virginity before she turns thirty. Her best friend sets the task in which she must ride a massive cock before the end credits roll. No plausible explanation is given as to why she hasn't already done it, the best being a quip from her mother, 'I guess you just haven't find the right man yet. Well, I'm not surprised with that sour face' Yeah, right. Even with a face like she's trapped a tit in the door, Miss Witherspoon should have had no trouble doing the nasty. That is, of course, if she either, a) had a fanny like a dog-meat kebab, or b) she would constantly excrete liquid-poo everytime she dropped her kecks in sexual anticipation. Daniel 'Harry Potter' Radcliffe plays the schmuck life-friend trying to get her into the sack, whilst Rupert Everett plays the eventual sack-emptier. Bland.