Movies I'd Like to See Part One

National Lampoon's American Migration

Directed by Eddie Murphy

Will Ferrell stars as Ali Mohammed Dahir, a rich African prince who comes to America to study at Harvard Law School. An nervous outcast on arrival, Ali eventually proves his worth to the college fraternity during a party drinking game, in which blind-drunk on Bud, pisses into the mouth of an unsuspecting blond extra from up on the balcony. The 'Fresh Prince' as he is now known ends up getting booted out of the prestigious school after he gets caught ragging the Dean's wife (played by Rob Schneider in drag) on the football field during a game, Crank-style al fresco. It all ends well though when he cleans up his act and his father comes over on his customed banana-boat to bribe the school board into reinstating him.


Younger Women

Directed by Woody Allen

This new Woody Allen joint tells the story of Marv Tesslerjew, an ageing, once-respected fashion photographer, who becomes down on his luck when his thai bride leaves him for his son. Marv soon gets his mojo back (and his reputation) when he decides to compose another book. The book, Younger Women, has him taking photos of the fannies of all the women under the age of twenty-five in Upstate New York, before he falls in love with fresh-faced slag Rita Swineback, played by Dakota Fanning.


The Jew Eater
Directed by Martin Riggs

Apocolyptic tale of one man's fight to rid the world of all evils. Mel Gibson stars as Ben Fist, an ex-cop with a hunger for violence after his family-business is taken over by Jewish investors. Ben kits out his ex-patrol car as a weapon against this deadly terror and takes to the streets in a sphere of violent rage. Blood is spilt and lives are destroyed in what critics say is a 'cross between Abel Ferrera's TV-movie, The Gladiator, and The Punisher'. One critic even goes as far as to describe it as 'the sickest film I have ever seen. Makes Takashi Miike look like Chris Columbus. During the final sequence, in which Mel savagely massacres an entire Jewish orphanage, it actually looks as if Mel isn't acting. It looks as though he is actually enjoying it.' For mentally stable patrons only. Jews may be offended.

De-Flowering Amy

Directed by Nancy Meyers

Daft Rom-Com in which Reese Witherspoon plays a stern stockbroker who must lose her virginity before she turns thirty. Her best friend sets the task in which she must ride a massive cock before the end credits roll. No plausible explanation is given as to why she hasn't already done it, the best being a quip from her mother, 'I guess you just haven't find the right man yet. Well, I'm not surprised with that sour face' Yeah, right. Even with a face like she's trapped a tit in the door, Miss Witherspoon should have had no trouble doing the nasty. That is, of course, if she either, a) had a fanny like a dog-meat kebab, or b) she would constantly excrete liquid-poo everytime she dropped her kecks in sexual anticipation. Daniel 'Harry Potter' Radcliffe plays the schmuck life-friend trying to get her into the sack, whilst Rupert Everett plays the eventual sack-emptier. Bland.

Is That One Drop of Blood or Two, Darling?

Horror films have always been a big part of my movie-watching life since my early teens. I remember the first horror film I ever saw was IT, based on the Stephen King book of the same name. I remember watching it with my friend, Ian, when it first aired in two-parts on Sky One around 1990/1991, and I must have been about seven years old. It scared the shit out of us for a long time. I think from then on I had a penchant for visual scares that's lasted up to this day.

In my early teens I discovered Halloween, then the Friday the 13th series, as well as movies like Scream, Nightmare on Elm St., and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I couldn't really tell you what it was I liked about them, and I probably still couldn't now, but there is something appealing to me about the way these films gnaw into the fears of their audience. I can tell you it isn't the gore that captivates me. I could name a heap of films that offer gratutious, graphic violence that turn me off. I think the best I can offer as to why they interest me is the fact that they are so formulaic. You go into a horror film knowing damn-well what you're expecting, and you go out feeling satisfied, to an extent. Even those that are just shockingly terrible movies (The Ring Two, and the remake of The Omen) are intriguging because they give us, the audience, what we're after - no matter how awful it may be.

The two things that horror movies lack these days, particularly Hollywood horror, is originality and scares. Films like Halloween were successful because they provided their audience with something fresh, or at least a new perspective on an existing formula. I don't think there has been such a refreshing take on an old, stale genre since Scream in 1996. Maybe that's a foolish statement to make, but can you even tell me of an American horror film that's influenced the genre so much in recent memory? The post-Scream, post-modern slasher died long ago, around the time Valentine hit the cinemas, and it now needs something new. Maybe these gross-out, back-to-the-basics gore-fests like Hostel could be horrors saviour for the time-being, but that said, most of the better ones seem to be foreign (Wolf Creek, Switchblade Romance).

But for now, I think Hollywood will continue to be happy in churning out bland, MTV-style remakes and making a small earning from those films such as House of Wax, The Amityville Horror, The Hills Have Eyes (admittedly not so bad), and The Hitcher. Even the remake of Halloween will be out soon. What's next? Alien? Jaws? Rosemary's Baby? The Thing is already in the pipeline, as is The Evil Dead, so it wouldn't surprise me if Michael Bay decides to wipe his arse on something like The Birds next. Oh, wait...



Other Horror Must-Sees



Profondo Rosso and Suspiria (dir. Dario Argento, 1975 and 1977)
The Tenant (dir. Roman Polanski, 1976)
Zombie Flesh Eaters (dir. Lucio Fulci, 1979)
The Shining (dir. Stanley Kubrick, 1980)
The Return of the Living Dead (dir. Dan O'Bannon, 1985)

Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured

Managed to bag an interview at Sainsbury's next Friday. The job title is 'Night-Shift Replenishment', which is basically stocking shelves when the store is closed. I've always liked the idea of working in a supermarket at night because there's no hassle and it's a bit more money. It's only two nights a week - Thursday and Friday - so it won't really affect my study-time too much. Study time, ha!

I'm currently writing this from my own bedroom. I've managed to connect to some unsuspecting fools wireless connection, as they've not put a password on it. The connection is quite slow but it does the nesscessitities for now, although downloads are off-limits.

I've bought a red light bulb for my bedside lamp. Don't think Suzy is too pleased about it, saying it looks like a brothel, but that's the effect I was after. I think it gives my room atmosphere and a certain coolness. It's like I'm living in a photography darkroom. I love it. All I need now is a bit of Marvin Gaye and the mood is perfect.

This House is a Circus

So, this is my new house for the next year. It's the blue door on the left, and the first two windows to the left of it is the living room. The only bad thing about being that close to the ground is you can't really leave your window open when you're out. The two flats above us got it made on that deal. Still, we're the only ones with a back door that leads directly into the garden, and my window opens up so I could climb in and out if I ever feel like it.

This is the view from my front door, looking up the street, at the castle:

Me and Suzy went in Au Naturale yesterday and came back with a head massager. It's like an orgasm in your brain. Probably. I literally could have spent about £100 in there. There's lots of stuff I could have done with for the house; cushions, throwovers, rugs, plates, artwork. Nice place for when I buy a proper house when I'm all growned up.

I don't have an Internet connection either yet so I won't be posting as much on here over the next few weeks unless I have time at Suzy's. Anyone have any reccomendations regarding ISP's? I want one that's fast and has unlimited downloads. Do they all do wireless these days or is that something you have to request? Ian should know, he's just got one himself. So leave a comment.

Currently listening to the Stooges, Beat Happening, Neils Children, The Coral, and Omar Rodriguez-Lopez.

Recently watched Léon, Perfume: the Story of a Murderer, and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion.

Blisters of Mercy

Sorry for the lack of updates (As if anyone actually cares), I've been too busy either working or moving stuff into my house. A picture of the fabled house will be posted soon, probably in the next couple of days when I charge up my camera.

Work is going ok. Only worked two and a half days this week though. Injured my neck yesterday moving some massive fridges so couldn't really carry on lifting heavy stuff. Neck is still hurting and finding it hard to move my head quickly, I look like Dracula when I turn my head to talk. PLUS I have a blister on both feet which makes me hobble along the street like I didn't make it to the toilet in time.

This is Kraftwerk in their early, krautrock days, after they changed their name from Organisation. Good stuff, completely different from their usual stuff.

Moaning Lisa's Smile

No pictures today unfortunately. My camera is running out of battery and I haven't stayed in my own room since last Friday - which is where my battery charger is.

Today we walked along the canal again and this time got to feed the ducks! I was like a kid all over again. The smile on my face when the ducks came over for the bread was worth a photo alone. Two massive swans kept following us wanting more food, which took the limelight off the little ones in the water. Then later on we fed a mother duck and her eight babies, although the mother kept stealing all the bread for herself. Tomorrow I shall report on the new Barney video, and post pictures from my 23rd bouncey castle birthday.

Found out that the landlord/owner of Cable Street was looking for some 'strapping young lads' for some manual work. I immediately knew I was right for the job. So I'm starting at 9am on Monday morning. Not sure how long it will last, or even if it's going to be five days a week, but it's some money towards my debts. Apparantly it's basically breaking things down and chucking them in a skip or something. Getting paid to smash things up? Brilliant!

New DVD's bought by Suzy today: What Lies Beneath, Mona Lisa Smile, El Mariachi/Desperado, and Once Upon A Time in Mexico. I wasn't happy about the second choice.

The Ant Hill Mob

Yesterday we walked along the canal. Went quite far actually. On the way back we decided to sit on the edge of the water on some lush-looking grass. Everything seemed nice; the sun was beaming down its lightwaves, the ducks were happily floating by, and it wasn't until about thirty seconds later I looked down and saw my jeans and trainers were covered in ants. About a hundred of them running up and down my legs and over my Converse. Well, it was pretty lucky no one was walking past at that point because I made like Colin Jackson and jumped. I must have looked like a coma victim stood up and zapped with a cattle-rod (to quote Mark off Peep Show). My legs were flailing like Jacko in his heyday. Took Suzy another ten seconds to realise what was going on. Sitting on an ant hill is not a good idea and shouldn't be attempted by anyone without prior precaution.