Movies That Could Have Been, Part One

Blood Diamond

Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan star in this true-story of Africa’s bloody diamond trade. Danny Archer (Chan) goes on the hunt to retrieve a particularly huge diamond with Solomon Vandy (Tucker), after the latter buried it whilst working as a slave for the rebel army, RUF, following his son’s kidnapping by said revolutionaries. Steve Carrel’s military colonel, meanwhile, is also after the diamond to bring into the hands of the government.

Cue hilarious, but clichéd buddy-flick consequences. In one sequence, whilst Vandy is seducing the rebel leader’s chick in a mud hut, Archer is busy dealing with over one hundred bad guys outside with his handy set of nunchucks – with some clever editing, each of the girl’s moans are matched with Chan’s vicious blows.


The Terminator

With first-choice Paul Reubens (AKA Pee-Wee Herman), out of the picture due to anal-bleeding, James Cameron reluctantly decided to cast aging Oscar-winner Sidney Poitier in the role of the cyborg killing-machine in this blaxploitation-come-MTV-style-video. Poitier is sent back in time to assassinate the mother of John Connor, the leader of a future war between humans and tin cans. Sarah Connor (Grace Jones) is forced to abandon her everyday life as a call-girl, and go on the run with Prince-wannabee, Kyle ‘The Cool Cat’ Reese, ironically played by Prince. Although even before you could say ‘Gimmemymoneybackyousonofabitchbeforeislugyouinthechops’, there was tension on-set. Reports that Poitier accused Grace of being a ‘n****r lover’ caused her to walk off the movie for a fortnight, thus halting production. It was then said that Prince wouldn’t come out of his dressing-room until every cast member wore at least one of his custom-designed winklepickers during shooting.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Forget Jim Carrey and Monica Cox-Arquette-Cox-Arquette, think Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Hanks plays the role of the pet-dick like he would later play one of his most memorable characters, Forrest Gump – like a lovable buffoon. Down-on-his-luck and fired from his job as a golf caddy, Ace Ventura sets up a pet detective agency, finding lost or stolen pets (or your money back). That is, until Meg Ryan’s Melissa Robinson shows up, and the sad-sack falls in love whilst on his hottest case yet. It’s all pretty shit until the final reel, when Ace rides bareback, literally, on a horse all the way to New York City to halt Melissa’s wedding to a landscape gardener. He doesn’t actually retrieve many lost or stolen pets in the entire movie, and when he does he eats them with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.